A Short Rant on Life and Death

“Marla doesn’t have testicular cancer.  Marla doesn’t have tuberculosis.  She isn’t dying.  Okay in that brainy brain-food philosophy way, we’re all dying, but Marla isn’t dying the way Chloe was dying.”

 

                For all you fans of disgustingly realistic, horrifyingly repulsive, provocative and psychotic comedies out there, yes, I did steal this quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s first and probably most famous novel, Fight Club.[1] Is this completely fair; to steal another writer’s quote for the sake of writing something on a similar topic?  Is this completely honest to take one person’s idea and write about it as if it’s my own?  The question is not whether it’s fair or honest to have taken Palahniuk’s quote in an attempt to write a fairly decent essay of my own.  The question is more or less, why I chose this particular quote. 

                Are we, as human beings, all slowly dying?  Some people would unquestionably say yes.  Of course we’re all slowly dying.  Every minute in our lives is one less minute of existence; one minute closer to death.  My family almost always eats dinner together.  One could always tell when my mother had had a particularly trying day.  Those were the days that she would sing during dinner.  What would she sing?  She sang a lively little tune with a chorus that went, “one meal closer to death, sweet Jesus.  One meal closer to death…”  I always considered this song very depressing and melancholic and not a suitable song to be singing at the dinner table.  (That is, if any song is suitable to be singing while eating a meal.)  Therefore, I always hated it when she sang this song.  Why?  Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t solely because of its melancholic tone, but rather, at least partly, because I was scared of death.  I recognized the fact that this silly tune had a greater truth about it.  I was one meal closer to death.  Every second of my life was one second less.  Each wasted day, was a day I could never get back.  So, if you think about it in a sense, yes, we are all dying…minute by minute.

                Yet others would say we are all slowly living.  Every minute is not a minute closer to death, but rather a minute more spent in the full fledges of life; a minute more learning about yourself and others on this wonderful planet we call Earth.  Each moment is a moment filled with vigor, vigor for life.  Are these people simply more optimistic than the people who tend to live by the philosophy that we are all slowly dying?  Are these people simply ignorant to the untimely truth that the world’s depressed, emotional, and pessimistic poets have already discovered and embraced? 

                Either way you choose to look at it, one thing’s easy to understand.  This is no ordinary argument.  Arguably, everyone is right.  Every day we are alive is another day of experience and memories; of life.  Every day we are alive is one day less on Earth; one day closer to death.  Oddly enough, this is an argument where everyone is also wrong.  Can we really be both?  Can we, as human beings, be both living and dying at the same time?  Is that probable? I think the answer to the aforementioned questions, is one loud, resounding, yes.  For why not?  Why couldn’t a person be both living and dying at the same time? As I write this seemingly unimportant essay, I am listening to probably one of the most poetic songs I have ever heard.  This song, “Learning How to Die” [2], has a simple chorus that says: “Don’t talk about how every living thing goes away.  All along I thought I was learning how to take, how to bend, not how to break, how to live, not how to cry, but really, I’ve been learning how to die.” Maybe that’s all any of us are doing really.  Each day in our lives is preparing us for our ultimate demise. 

Then again, maybe I’m completely wrong and much of this argument simply has to do with how much a person values life.  Do they “live every day to the fullest”, or do they wish every day they weren’t stuck in this complete hell-hole.  I’ve been on both sides of the road.  These days, I seem to have found somewhere in the median.  I just hope I don’t get hit. 



[1] Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.  A debut novel published in 1996, it was made into a popular movie in 1999 starring Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, and Helena Bonham-Carter. 

[2] Learning How to Die” lyrics by Jon Foreman.  Recorded on his solo EP album, Winter, which was one of four solo EPs (also including Fall, Spring, and Summer), which all were released in 2007-2008.  Jon Foreman is the lead singer/guitarist/songwriter for popular band, Switchfoot.  

July 18, 2008. Tags: , , , . non-fiction essays. 1 comment.

You Meet This Boy…

You meet this boy because he hits you in the back with a cymbal during marching band.  You turn around and immediately you like him.  What a cute smile!  He has a girlfriend.  What a pity.  You stay friends, but only just.  You talk, but just barely.  You ask him to prom, just as friends, of course.  He says yes, but you don’t think he sounds too excited.  You chicken out and go with someone else.  He is only a freshman after all and you’re a junior.  After this, you stop talking to him.  You’re afraid he figured something out.  Fast forward to August.  You and your friends go to see the new movie in the Harry Potter series.  He shows up…wearing a wizard hat.  He was such an outgoing kid.  You liked that.  You had always been so shy.  He had known that you liked him.  But you hadn’t known that he was too nervous to ask you out.  And then, on August 21, 2007, your friends threatened him until he did.  You dated for five months.  Five wonderful months.  So many memories.  Going to your house after Homecoming and not watching that movie you put in at all.  Lying in the grass at his house, even though he had bad allergies.  Falling asleep on his sofa, waking up an hour later than you were supposed to be home.  Having an entire conversation about what would be the perfect wedding songs. [You and Me (Lifehouse) and High (James Blunt)].  Having him over that day no one was at your house.  And gosh, without a shirt on…he was so tan! and his skin was so soft and silky.  Staying at your house all night, you, asleep in his arms.  You took him for granted.

            He broke up with you on January 22, 2008.  You knew it was mostly your fault.  And yet, you were more upset than you had ever been in your entire life.  You had screwed things up.  You should have trusted him.  You should have made sure he trusted you.  He saved the last dance for you at Snowball.  After the dance, he hung out with you and your friends.  He told you he would always love you, no matter what.  He told you how beautiful you looked in your silver dress; that he was sad when you changed from that, into your pajamas.  He made you promise to go to prom with him this year.  He kissed you again.  It was one of the best nights of your life.

            The following week, he started dating someone else.  You didn’t know what to think anymore.  He left you so confused and worried and angry.  You felt you had been used.  And yet, you couldn’t get over him…no matter how hard you tried.  There was something about him, that you just couldn’t let go of.  He may never have believed you loved him.  And yet, if you didn’t love him, you would have moved on by now.  And then, he started calling you again.  He told you he loved you.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And, of course, you loved him back…maybe even more. 

            He came over to your house today.  Nostalgia hit, as you laid on the sofa with him; his arms wrapped tight around you.  He whispered he loved you in your ear.  He even offered you that “one last kiss” you so dearly wanted.  But you couldn’t take it.  He has a girlfriend.  No matter how much you dislike her, you couldn’t do that to her.  Sure, she could do that to you when you were still dating him…but you couldn’t do that to her…no matter how much you wanted to.  And besides, you knew that one kiss wouldn’t suffice.  You would be left longing for more…and realizing how big of a fuck-up you are.  And even now, he’s gone….again…..always too soon.  And even now, even though nothing happened….you still know, that you’ve screwed up once again.  You missed your chance.  Some people just have all the luck in the world. 

            People say you’re crazy.  You’re only eighteen.  You’re too young to be that much in love.  It’s not love.  It’s just lust.  Maybe you are crazy.  You wouldn’t doubt that.  But you know your own feelings.  And you know what you feel is love.  You know he’s the one.  And you know, you want to spend the rest of your life with him.  You know he’s the best thing that has ever happened to you.  And you know, that you’re going to do whatever it takes, to make sure that tomorrow starts with him. 

May 30, 2008. Tags: . non-fiction essays. Leave a comment.

A Humble Prayer for Christians Today (otherwise known as Jennie’s Church Scholarship Essay)

            To most, being a Christian means following the words and teachings of Christ; living your life like Jesus would.  To me, being a Christian means being inclusive, not exclusive.  It means being in the world, but not of the world.  It means sharing the words of Christ any way you possibly can.  It means hanging out with what some might call “the wrong crowd”, because that’s what Jesus did.   Stephen Christian of the band, Anberlin says and I quote, “I know some Christian bands that won’t play anywhere that they serve alcohol.  What is that?  Did Jesus only talk to virgin prostitutes?  He talked to thieves and tax collectors and scum.”

Out of my large group of close friends, only three go to church fairly regularly.  One is Lutheran.  One is Catholic.  One is Greek Orthodox.  The rest of my friends fall into two categories: The Chreasters (people who go to church on Christmas and Easter only) and self-proclaimed Atheists and Agnostics.  In this way, I am certainly hanging out with a variety of people who have many varying beliefs and faiths; something that I believe Christ did and would want people today to do.  If you ask a non-believer what a Christian is to them, what Christianity means to them, you’ll get a variety of answers in return.  One of my friends said and I quote, “When I hear the word Christian, I think of Conservatives.  I think of people who go to church on Sunday, but don’t do much beyond that.”  Another said, “I hate religion.  I think Christians try to force their beliefs on others who could care less.  They set a moral standard which even they can’t follow.”  Yet another said, “I think the church as a whole, a lot of them, are hypocrites.  The ones I have a real problem with though, are the ones in power; being in that position of power requires a lot of politicking.”

Why are we like this?  Why are we, as Christians nonetheless, some of the world’s most distrusted, most hypocritical and most un-inclusive people?  James 1:22-24 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”   Toby McKeehan, of the band, Dc Talk said and I quote, “The greatest single cause of Atheism in the world today, is Christians; who acknowledge Him with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.  That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” 

 I find it disheartening that I have friends who are Atheists who are kinder and more compassionate than some people I have met through church functions.  I find it sad that I know non-believers that are more including and loving than some who loosely call themselves, Christians.  I find it upsetting that I have a friend, who’s an Atheist, who’s read the entire Bible and could quote more scripture than I or half the other Christians I know, could.  I find it terrible that sometimes, the church is so exclusive and conservative, that they can find miniscule reasons why someone shouldn’t be allowed to worship a God who loves them, too.  I like how Mark Hall of Casting Crowns describes the church in one of their popular songs. 

“Are we happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness, and smiles to hide our pain?  But if the invitation’s open, to every heart that has been broken, maybe then we close the curtain, on our stained-glass masquerade.”

I believe, the church likes to hide the fact that Christians are just as broken and messed up as the average person today.  Yes, people today are turned off by the fact that many Christians seem like hypocrites.  They don’t practice what they preach.  They’re totally different people on Sunday mornings than they are at any other given time.  But maybe a large part of the problem is not in what the church does, but rather what they don’t do; what they don’t show the rest of the world.  We are just as broken and sick, and sometimes even more broken and sick, than the rest of the world.  We need to show the world this; maybe then they would be more open to giving church a chance.  We really are just humans and we are all exactly the same, believer or not. 

Lacey Mosley, lead singer for the popular hard-core band, Flyleaf says, “I think the thing that makes people antagonistic toward Christianity is when you act like you’re better than them because they aren’t Christians.”  Don’t think that because you’re a Christian you can save the world.  Don’t shove religion down people’s throats.  This is not what God intended.  In Matthew 28:19 it says, “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.”  God didn’t say, “Go save people.  Shove the gospel down their throats and bring them to church until you’re sure they will be going to Heaven when they die.”  You can’t save people; only God can do that.  Sometimes the best you can do is let your non-believing friends listen to some of your Christian music and hope and pray that someday, they’ll get what the musicians are saying.  (It’s worked for me so far.  I’ve gotten a few of my friends to listen to some Christian music…and they like it!  They constantly re-listen to their music.  Isn’t this more beneficial in the long run than me trying to force them to come to church?)  As is said by the band Mainstay, in their song, ‘Well Meaning Fiction’, “you’re afraid to reason, your love is saving no one.”  They’re right.  Your love is saving no one.  God’s love, is saving everyone. 

As I’ve stated before, we, as Christians need to be all-inclusive.  We need to listen to what the Atheists and Agnostics of the world have to say.  We can learn from each other.  Some Christians may say that Atheists are people without faith.  These Christians are seriously mistaken.  As Rob Bell says in his book, Velvet Elvis, “Atheists are people of immense faith.”  They have tremendous faith in the fact that God doesn’t exist; just as much faith as every Christian should have.  As one of the world’s most famous Atheists turned Christian (C.S. Lewis) says in his book, Mere Christianity, “If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all the other religions are simply wrong all through.  If you are an Atheist you do have to believe that the main point in all the religions of the whole world is simply one huge mistake.  When I was an Atheist I had to try to persuade myself that most of the human race have always been wrong about the question that mattered to them most; when I became a Christian I was able to take a more liberal view.”  Christians, it seems, should be the more inclusive, liberal and understanding type.  So why is it that so often we’re considered the conservative, misunderstanding, exclusive type who won’t listen to what non-believers have to say?  Listening to other people’s beliefs is one giant step towards becoming more open-minded and bringing more people to Christ through our actions.

            All of us, as Christians, should want to be human images of God.  We should have a desire to be “doers of the word”.  We should want to spread the good news of Christ to the world.  Each of us, in turn, have our own unique talents and abilities given to us by God to fulfill these desires and wants.  We should want to give our lives to Christ.  As C.S. Lewis said, “Give up yourself, and you will find your real self.  Lose your life and you will save it.  Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life.  Keep back nothing.  Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay.  But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”  This is all I long to do with my life.  No matter where I am ten years from now, this is the role I pray Christ is playing in my life then and until my dying day.  Jon Foreman of the band Switchfoot says and I quote, “I have no stones to throw.  I’m a drop-out from San Diego who writes four-minute pop songs.  I want to be about the business of peace, of tearing down walls.  I am wanting to serve people.  I care about the people who are trying to follow Christ with their lives.  That’s the why now.  That’s the why.  I’m just trying to imitate a hero of mine.”

              Let us all practice what we preach, hiding nothing and knowing we are no better than anyone else.  Let us all listen to one another and be inclusive of each other’s varying beliefs.  Let us all give our lives up to Christ.  Let us all be broken and made new by his never ending love.  Let us all have these longings and desires to fulfill.  Let us all share the good news of Christ in our own unique ways, using our own unique talents and abilities.  Let us all be imitations of the most perfect human being who ever walked and who ever will walk the Earth.

Amen.

May 15, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . non-fiction essays. Leave a comment.

An Inventory of Being

I am Jennie.

 

I am of German and Native American (Cherokee) descent.

 

I was born in Massachusetts,

Moved to Ohio when I was five

Ohio is okay, but rather bland

I miss New England.

 

At least twice a week you will find me with a big bowl of ice cream,

I eat it all the time

Did you know New Englanders eat 25% more ice cream than the average American?

Maybe that’s why I eat it so often.

 

My only siblings are twelve years old,

Fraternal twins

They can be annoying every once in awhile

But I still love them both very much.

 

I LOVE Converse shoes.

 

I’m proud to say I own eight pairs.

 

Need an opinion on a movie?

Ask me.  I am a movie fanatic.

Watching anything and everything

Independent films and foreign films that people have never heard of

Are my favorites.

 

I hate it when people don’t trust me

Yet I have such a hard time trusting other people.

 

About four years ago, I was a fairly spiteful

And selfish person.

Since my Mom was diagnosed with an incurable disease

I think I have become more compassionate and loving towards other people.

 

Even though I am angry about that happening

I thank God for it every day

Otherwise, what kind of person would I be right now?

 

When my friends are asked to describe me in one word

Many often say, indecisive.

In fact, I wasn’t quite sure if I should put that in here or not.

I’m school-renowned

For changing my hair color

At least three times a year.

 

I despise my name,

It’s so plain

There are millions of people in the world with my name

And my sisters got the unique names,

Sophie and Greta.

 

People often call me a Communist

Because frankly, I believe those Communists have the right idea

Even though Communistic governments have never worked.

Plus, Karl Marx kind of looks like Santa Claus.

 

I have a passion for languages.

Taking French and Spanish in school isn’t enough

At home, I’m teaching myself to speak Italian, also.

 

I am possibly one of the only people in the world

Who loves rainy days more than sunny days.

Thunderstorms are one of the best weather conditions possible, in my opinion.

 

I think I was born a few generations too late.

Being extremely anti-war

I believe I would have made a good hippy.

 

My Mom always wanted to adopt an Asian baby.

In almost every single picture ever taken of me I look..well…Asian

Maybe she actually got her wish?

 

I would really like to sit down and have a little chat with George Bush

Tell him what I really think

But that might ruin my reputation of being a nice, friendly person

So I don’t think I will anytime soon.

 

I hate the fact that my second toe is longer than my big toe

Wearing Converse instead of sandals or flip flops

Easily solves that problem.

 

Sometimes, I feel like one of the only people in Ohio who calls

Tennis shoes, sneakers

And pop, soda.

 

I go to church

And believe in God

Yet I’m not sure I believe in organized religion.

Or organized anything for that matter…like my closet.

 

In the end, everything will be okay

If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Something I try to live by and remember every day.

 

Ironically, one of my biggest regrets

Is regretting things.

Why live your life that way?

What is done is done, nothing and no one can change that.

 

I miss my Grandpa

Who died right before I turned sixteen

We shared the same birthday, March 9th.

 

I am there so often

That the librarians at the Wadsworth Library

Know me by name.

I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.

 

Two of my favorite pastimes are

Writing poetry

And going to cemeteries.

Creepy?  Weird?  No.

They’re a great place to find interesting names.

My favorite name found so far is Wetzel Pridemore.

 

I would best describe my sense of humor as sarcastic.

Sometimes people think I’m being mean

But it’s all just a joke, right?

 

Fog is absolutely fantastic.

It looks like clouds hovering above the ground

Almost as if the sky is falling.

 

My idols are Natalie Portman, Sofia Coppola and Drew Barrymore

Three gorgeous, intelligent and successful women,

Doing what they love.

 

I absolutely loathe Bob Evans.

Every time I walk in, they hand me a children’s menu.

Do I really look like I’m twelve or under?!

 

I used to be so nervous around boys

But now

All my best friends are guys.

 

Constantly forgetting things,

The best way to remember seems to be writing things on my hands or arms

In black permanent marker.

My Mom worries that I’m going to get ink poisoning.

 

I often make fun of blondes

And then feel guilty about it later.

My natural hair color is a dirty blonde.

 

As of right now,

I don’t ever want to get married

Although, I’m sure that will change in the near future,

Indecisiveness can often be very predictable.

 

I love my pet turtle, oh, so very much

Although I’m still angry at my Mom for not allowing me

To get a snake.

 

I adore food

Yet, I am one of the pickiest eaters you will probably ever meet.

Thanksgiving is one of the worst holidays ever…

All I ever eat on that day in November is bread, and sometimes that cranberry stuff.

 

I find it entertaining to sit in public places

And just watch people.

It’s not nearly as creepy or boring as it sounds.

 

Ask me what I want to drink

And 99.9% of the time

I will say 2% milk.

 

Never soda…carbonation is disgusting and tastes weird in your mouth.

 

I’m not nearly as quiet as I seem in class.

 

When I was younger I wanted to be a detective

The next Nancy Drew, per say.

 

No joke, I am a tree hugger.

Don’t ever let me catch you littering

Unless you have a serious death wish.

 

I love musicals

Especially singing along to musicals

But I hate singing in front of people.

 

I have an obsession with bagels.

 

People often tell me I could start my own band.

I play seven instruments.

Yeah, you’re right…I don’t have a life.

 

To me, music is one of the best things in the world.

Music is one of those weird things in life,

It can completely change your mood in a span of five seconds

And change it again, in another three seconds.

 

I’ve recently started making a wish

At 11:11 every night,

And trying to write my name backwards

Don’t ask why.

 

Some of my lifetime goals are to

Travel the world, get one of my poems published

And ultimately

Be happy with where I am in life twenty years from now.

 

I love the number three.

It seems such a whimsical number

All good things come in three’s.

 

Life is so unpredictable.

That’s what I love about it.

 

To put it simply, I am weird

But I am me

The one and only me that there is or ever will be.

 

My name is Jennie, and this is 2007.

May 3, 2008. non-fiction essays. Leave a comment.